After silently staring at the ultrasound screen, for what felt like forever.. I finally asked “you don’t see a heart beat this time, do you?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t”, she replied softly. The words no expecting parents want to hear, especially not again.
As I sat there alone with the tech, because no one else was allowed in appointments during this Covid-19 pandemic, I put my hands on my head and began to cry. Life can feel so fragile sometimes. And as we began to walk the journey of miscarriage again, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed and heartbroken.
Many emotions come with loss and even if it’s the 100th time over, it doesn’t make it less upsetting. Sometimes people mean well, but just can’t find the right words to say, or maybe even say things that are more hurtful than helpful. Often we are reminded of our two precious gifts we already have, which we are so grateful for and hold on to tightly, but we were equally as excited to bring our other babies into this world to join our family. I know the first face they got to see was Jesus, but until we meet again, we will always think of what could have been.
I wish I could tell you there aren’t questions unanswered and that walking by faith is easy, but it’s the opposite. It can be a hard journey. Easy because we don’t have to walk it alone, but hard because we may not know all the answers this side of eternity. Faith in Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) is defined as this: “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
Because God knew life would still have trials, even for those that love Him--in our feelings of doubt, grief, and disappointment; He promises to deliver us. The troubles don’t disappear, but we are able to walk out of them stronger if we don’t do it alone.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all;” Psalms 34:18-19 NIV
I prayed for a miracle. It didn’t look like what we had anticipated. So I prayed to still see the miracles I may be missing in my despair.
Throughout my visits to the doctor, as I sat quietly in the waiting areas, I could hear strong heart beats as pregnant mamas listened on the dopplers. I saw women with growing stomachs anticipating their appointments, even if I was dreading mine. I heard the cry of newborn babies at the hospital and then being held by overjoyed parents. I said, “is this the wing where the c-sections are done as well?” The nurse responded, “Yes. I’m sorry, is that hard for you?” I said, “I’m happy for them.” Did I wish that would be me early next year, yes, but I couldn’t deny the joy that was someone else’s miracle! At the time of our first miscarriage (before the birth of our second daughter), I shared a due date very close to a best friend of mine. Every year on her daughter’s birthday, I can’t help but rejoice in the miracle that is theirs.
We can’t always see the story behind someone else’s answered prayers. Not all came with ease. So I’m opening my eyes to the miracle of what became of our pregnancies that ended too soon, even though it is heartbreaking. The miracle that life did happen, and although they are not here on Earth with us, our littles are living in wholeness with the Savior. He knew them before they were formed, and despite being sad that I’m not holding them here, I am thankful I’ll hug them on the other side of eternity.
To the weary and heartbroken, pray for a miracle anyways. I can’t guarantee the outcome will look like you planned, I may have missed the miracles myself if I didn’t ask to see them.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV
For many, Mother’s day is a holiday filled with deep emotions, some wonderful and some heartbreaking. On July 20, 2015, my mom unexpectedly passed away and unfortunately, I remember that day perfectly. In my sudden grief, I fell to the floor in pain when my Grandma called my husband that day to deliver the news. I was 25, and never imagined living life without my mom. Losing her was, and still is, hard. I felt robbed. Robbed of time, robbed of memories, robbed of everything that could have been had she not died.
After going to multiple doctors and having various tests done - all to find out I had succumb to grief induced health issues - I knew this was going to be a long road ahead to recover from what should have been a joyous time in our lives. Drew and I were newly married, 2 months in, when our vows were standing the test of tragic loss and pain. Drew was my rock. Day in and day out he walked with me through my nightmare and never gave up on me. As time went on, I had to move forward as well. Time doesn’t stop and sometimes it seems like people are forgotten but thankfully the loss hasn’t been left behind. God see’s and doesn’t forget. He lifts us up even in the pit of despair to bring the comfort only He can.
John 14:27 NIV
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
I can attest to not being healed by the peace the world gives because nothing anyone said seemed to make me feel better. I had to find that peace only Christ could give me to heal from such a loss. I had to surrender the grief, fear, pain and despair and trade it for a new joy. I felt guilty moving forward..would my happiness mean she’s forgotten? Would my mom think I didn’t love her any more? No, it meant scripture was being fulfilled and I could put on a garment of praise and thank God for the life I still had left to live despite my loss. I could continue to honor her by moving forward with my life.
I want to encourage those of you who’ve known loss in the same way, there’s so much ahead of you...so much you can’t see yet. God has a beautiful story He is writing and maybe yours can help someone else. If you’ve lost a loved one, I can guarantee they wouldn’t want you to trade in your life to be “dead” here on Earth. They would want you to prosper and find joy again. Your life is a beautiful gift that only you can choose to live. Dear son or daughter, no one else can be you. The world needs more of you. Sometimes we have to lay down our pain to take hold of His peace because it was never meant to be carried alone. It doesn’t mean you don’t still feel sad, it just means you can allow yourself to live again.
Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
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