After silently staring at the ultrasound screen, for what felt like forever.. I finally asked “you don’t see a heart beat this time, do you?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t”, she replied softly. The words no expecting parents want to hear, especially not again.
As I sat there alone with the tech, because no one else was allowed in appointments during this Covid-19 pandemic, I put my hands on my head and began to cry. Life can feel so fragile sometimes. And as we began to walk the journey of miscarriage again, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed and heartbroken.
Many emotions come with loss and even if it’s the 100th time over, it doesn’t make it less upsetting. Sometimes people mean well, but just can’t find the right words to say, or maybe even say things that are more hurtful than helpful. Often we are reminded of our two precious gifts we already have, which we are so grateful for and hold on to tightly, but we were equally as excited to bring our other babies into this world to join our family. I know the first face they got to see was Jesus, but until we meet again, we will always think of what could have been.
I wish I could tell you there aren’t questions unanswered and that walking by faith is easy, but it’s the opposite. It can be a hard journey. Easy because we don’t have to walk it alone, but hard because we may not know all the answers this side of eternity. Faith in Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) is defined as this: “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
Because God knew life would still have trials, even for those that love Him--in our feelings of doubt, grief, and disappointment; He promises to deliver us. The troubles don’t disappear, but we are able to walk out of them stronger if we don’t do it alone.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all;” Psalms 34:18-19 NIV
I prayed for a miracle. It didn’t look like what we had anticipated. So I prayed to still see the miracles I may be missing in my despair.
Throughout my visits to the doctor, as I sat quietly in the waiting areas, I could hear strong heart beats as pregnant mamas listened on the dopplers. I saw women with growing stomachs anticipating their appointments, even if I was dreading mine. I heard the cry of newborn babies at the hospital and then being held by overjoyed parents. I said, “is this the wing where the c-sections are done as well?” The nurse responded, “Yes. I’m sorry, is that hard for you?” I said, “I’m happy for them.” Did I wish that would be me early next year, yes, but I couldn’t deny the joy that was someone else’s miracle! At the time of our first miscarriage (before the birth of our second daughter), I shared a due date very close to a best friend of mine. Every year on her daughter’s birthday, I can’t help but rejoice in the miracle that is theirs.
We can’t always see the story behind someone else’s answered prayers. Not all came with ease. So I’m opening my eyes to the miracle of what became of our pregnancies that ended too soon, even though it is heartbreaking. The miracle that life did happen, and although they are not here on Earth with us, our littles are living in wholeness with the Savior. He knew them before they were formed, and despite being sad that I’m not holding them here, I am thankful I’ll hug them on the other side of eternity.
To the weary and heartbroken, pray for a miracle anyways. I can’t guarantee the outcome will look like you planned, I may have missed the miracles myself if I didn’t ask to see them.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV